Overwhelmed

Lately I've been feeling quite overwhelmed by life. I've been crazy busy, for one thing. I had school five mornings a week this semester, which is okay until it gets to the point where I can't keep up. I can definitely tell when it all started to snowball. Amazingly enough I am still doing okay - my grades haven't dropped, at least not noticeably. And, believe it or not, last I knew I was getting a mid-B in chemistry. So I guess I still have an okay hold on that, even though it feels like it's all slipping through my fingers.

Until recently, I'd also been working six afternoons a week, which probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. That coupled with school five days a week left VERY little free time. I have spent many a night up past midnight doing homework and struggling to catch up.

There's so many of my friends that I haven't talked to literally in months and I feel awful about it. I mean, yeah I've been busy, but that sounds like such a lame excuse and I don't want to call someone up and be like "hey I miss you, sorry I've been busy, wanna go to lunch?" Honestly. I feel like such a horrible friend, but at the same time it's like, there's not much I can do about it! I barely have time for eating and sleeping, let alone doing stuff with friends!

The past couple of weeks have been better, I haven't felt quite as stressed and I felt like I had more time to just kinda chill, or maybe get some other random stuff done (like today I finished a scrapbook I've been working on forever). So yeah, I get a few minutes of free time and summer's coming and what do I do?!?!

I register for summer classes and get a second job. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Ugh. I was all psyched about this last week, but now that tomorrow is almost here - start of finals AND start of my new job - I'm doing some serious second-guessing. Everyone looks forward to summer, no one more than I, but now my summer is going to be just as jam-packed full as the rest of the year. I'm such an idiot.

But at the same time, I refuse to give up my summer classes OR my second job. Though I might cut back my days at the Cafe so I can have two days off each week, but we'll see. We shall see. It'll be okay. I just can't stand to have free time I suppose.

But yeah, tomorrow is my math final, and I've done probably a grand total of 5 minutes of studying for it. Then Wednesday is the chem final, which I've also done hardly any studying for. And I haven't studied at ALL for my Spanish or Psych finals. So yeah, this week is gonna suck. But after that, FREEDOM.

At least until the 21st.

By the way, if anyone knows of a place where I can get cheap plane tickets, specifically to Wisconsin in July, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know.

Thanks!

RANT

I'm so sick of life. Forget everything I said in the last post. I'm sick of life. I want something different. I'm trying hard to be content, and I guess I am content to a degree - as in, if this is where God wants me, I'll trust Him to know what's right. But at the same time, I am SO SICK of being lonely, of the way people around here act when you disagree with them, of not having any free time, of STINKING CHEMISTRY, of my stupid Spanish teacher, of being in this rut. I'm just SICK. OF. IT. Wanna know something? All my best friends except ONE live hundreds of miles away from me. I have ONE FRIEND around here, and that is not an exaggeration. Yeah, there's other people I talk to and hang out with occassionally, but I don't think I would call them friends. It's like, every time I try to make friends around here, everything is fine and dandy until I disagree with something they say and then WHOA WAIT I'M BEING JUDGEMENTAL AND DISRESPECTFUL.

LIGHTEN UP.
If YOU are allowed to have a different opinion on something than other people, then other people are allowed to disagree with you. And yeah, maybe there will be debates and even arguments, but if you really care about the person you won't let those come between you. People can disagree and still be friends - look at basically ALL my friends. There's not one of my friends that we agree 100% completely on everything. But SO WHAT. We can still be friends because we care about each other and we RESPECT each other's beliefs and opnions, and don't expect each other to change to suit the other.

Yes, I believe what I believe. And no, I'm not going to change that belief easily. If you can show me beyond a doubt that I am 100% wrong, I STILL won't change that belief easily, but it will change eventually. Respect what I believe the same way I respect what you believe. Know that I am going to be defensive about what I believe if you attack it, and I expect the same from you. Don't just stop being my friend because I don't agree with you on everything. How boring would that be anyway?

I LOVE MY FRIENDS and I don't want them to mold themselves to MY beliefs. So don't expect me to mold myself to YOUR beliefs. But, even then, I still care for you and I don't think you're being judgemental or disrespectful because you disagree with me.

And if you don't agree with anything I've just said, go away, we don't want you here anyway.

Heh, that last sentence was a joke in case you couldn't tell. Sorry about the ranting and raving, but I have been thinking about this for a VERY long time and it's been bothering me excessively. And then I saw something today that just topped it all off and that was the end of my rope and I HAD to vent somewhere or else I was going to punch something or someone.

Love you guys!

Life Lately

Life has been good lately. I just realized today that the past few days I have actually been happy, which is an improvement. Up until a few days ago, I wasn't sad or angry or anything, just not particularly happy. But since Friday or Saturday I feel like I have my life back under control (obviously it's in God's control and I'm not trying to take that control from Him, but you know what I mean) and I'm caught up on stuff and finally getting it together. I officially decided that I am NOT going to Mary Washington in the fall, I'm going to wait until spring. I'm taking two classes this summer to finish up and get my degree by the end of the summer. Then I'll either take the fall off or only take a couple classes at J. Sarge while working FULL TIME and saving lots of money.

Yay!

Anyway, got a couple of other things taken care of that were kinda weighing on me lately. The only major thing I have to take care of now money-wise is CAR INSURANCE. Blah. Oh well, it could be worse.

So now I have an appointment to take the English CLEP, which is awesome. I've been procrastinating that for a good two years now. Heh. I just have to find out where the place is. Anyone know how to get to Arboretum Parkway? I don't even know if I'm spelling that right.

There's a couple other things I've been meaning to do that I'm just tying up now. One of them is getting a new credit card, one of the rewards kind - w00t!! After that, I'll buy my plane tickets to Wisconsin and my new notebook and pay for school with it so that I'll get to rack up the rewards. Since that's stuff I would pay for with credit card anyway, might as well get rewarded for it, right? hehe!

Anyhow, I'm still crazy-busy. School five mornings a week and work six afternoon/evenings a week makes me feel overloaded sometimes, but that's okay. I'll get through it one way or another. Hopefully I won't fail my chemistry class.

Gnite!

Too far away

The worst thing about being so far away from my friends is that I can't be there for them when they need me. I mean, yeah, they can call or email or text or IM or whatever but in that case all I have to offer them is words. And words can seem empty sometimes when you're looking for comfort, trust me, I know. It's not that the person doesn't mean well, but words only do so much. All I want right now is to be there for my friends, not figuratively but literally, physically. I want to be able to cry with them, hug them, go get ice cream with them. I feel that I am not truly capable of being there for my friends 800 miles away, and it tears me apart inside. I can't even offer a simple smile. Just words. And right now, only written words at that.

No one knows just how much this hurts me.

Just gotta keep moving

I don't know what to say. Heh.

Chemistry is awful. My teacher doesn't even know what she is doing. A girl in my class this morning asked her to explain how to do a certain problem. So my teacher read the problem, wrote it on the board, and then proceeded to "TRY" (her word!) to figure out how to get the answer. Um, hello? If you can't even do the problems, how do you expect US to do them? She kept going, "oh, I did that wrong." and "oh I had it right the first time." STUPID. Why are you teaching chemistry?!?! Why are you teaching at all?!?! And the worst part is, she worked through the problem almost the whole way (didn't give us the answer) and I am more confused NOW than before she worked it out. I will be so relieved when this class is over and I had BETTER PASS.

Definitely will have to look for a new job or something. Ever since our pay was cut to $2.75 on Thursday I have made less than $10/day. NOT GOOD in case you were wondering. On average, after adding in tips and hourly rate and everything, I've made $4.08/hr. That's before taxes, too. That's not good. That's not even minimum wage. And yeah, what did my boss say when I told her I only made $5 last night? "Oh that stinks." Yeah, you bet. I'm gonna have to talk to her, but I feel bad because I like my bosses and I really want their restaurant to work out for them...but I need to live too, ya know? I've got bills to pay and a trip to Wisconsin to save up for.

The realization that it's close to the end of the semester is kicking in. I've actually started doing my homework, can you believe it? And I started paying attention in chemistry class! Even though it leaves me more confused at the end...but i thought it would be a good idea because you never know when she might say something that actually makes sense! So yeah, I'm working on bringing up my Spanish (C) and psychology (B) grades and maintaining my other two (A in math and C in chemistry). I've given up on getting anything better in chemistry than a C.

Well, almost time for psychology class and even though I have more stuff on my mind, I'll let you go.

I Have No Imagination

I sat for like 2 minutes trying to think of a title. I think my imagination is taking spring break NOW.

So my chemistry lab this morning only took about 30 minutes. Then it's another two and a half hours to my next class. Yeah. I wish we could have just come in later and that way gotten a little more sleep! Anyway, so I've been sitting here on the computer for about an hour and fifty minutes or so, doing a bunch of nothing when I really should be catching up on my homework/studying junk. It's hard to be motivated to do so when you have the WHOLE WEEKEND ahead of you to procrastinate and the weather is gorgeous.

If the mall opened earlier I would have gone there, but it doesn't upen until 10, which is a mere hour before my next class. NOT enough time.

Tomorrow my family is going to PARKER's. For those of you who do not know what Parker's is *gasp* - it's a restaurant in North Carolina that serves the best BBQ you will ever find in the whole world! I cannot wait. I'm also looking forward to NO SCHOOL and NO WORK and just being able to get away - I need that I think. Even if it means having to get up way early on a Saturday. It's worth it.

Midterm grades: Math A. Psych B. Spanish C+. Chemistry C. Blah. I guess I'm okay with having a C in chemistry because it's HARD. I hate that class and I don't like the teacher, she doesn't know what she's doing. I know I can bring up the Spanish grade if I work hard enough and if my teacher hasn't decided he completely hates my guts. Which is entirely possible.

I need to find a new job because the Café has lowered our pay from $6/hr to $2.75/hr and we are NOT making enough in tips to compensate for that yet. So if anyone has any recommendations, please please please let me know. I will be searching the classifieds. Yippee.

Finally was able to talk to Dawn yesterday!!!! I just need to go buy my plane ticket now. I'm trying to decide exactly what day to come and what day to leave, etc. That's the hardest part.

Oh yeah, and I got like NOTHING from my spring break list done. I bolded what I did.

1) Get caught up on all my class notes.
2) Finish filling out the UMW application.
3) Fill out my J Sarge scholarship application.Found out this was unnecessary as the application is for the 2007-2008 and I will no longer be here!
4) Go around barefoot. At least one day is going to be warm enough. Yeah, THREE days were nice enough!
5) Watch all three LOTR and two POTC movies. And The Little Mermaid.
6) Go to Curves every day if it kills me. Lose the couple/few extra pounds/inches I've put on. Get back to eating right. I shouldn't have had the "if it kills me" part in there. There were a couple days that I couldn't go, unless I wanted to walk lol
7) Go shopping - buy my sister's birthday present, some cute St. Patty's Day earrings, and look for potato shoes (didn't find 'em though).
8) Call friends I haven't talked to in a while.
9) Work. That's a given.
10) One more...um, write in my journal every day.

Yeah so I'm pretty much a failure. OH well!!

Oh yeah and on Q94 all week they've been doing "spring break" stuff, where every morning they'll actually break something over the radio and then have people call in and guess what it was. So this morning, Sid got Melissa's "old ugly dresser" without her knowing and they broke it! And he had told the listeners ahead of time to call in and say what it was, so like 4 or 5 people called in and then they told Melissa what they had done. So after all THAT, I called in and said that it was mean and stuff. Yeah cuz I would be SO MAD if someone took something of mine and demolished it like that - even if I had said I would throw it away and didn't. But so anyway, I got to talk to Melissa and Sid and they put me on the radio. It was nice because I was feeling really cruddy this morning. lol

Anyway so that's all for now I suppose, now that I've talked about a whole bunch of nothing and thoroughly covered every subject.

Listening to sad songs...

I feel so sad today. I don't know why, I suppose there's a variety of reasons. Spring break is almost over, for one, and I still haven't done everything - hardly anything, in fact - on my list. I'm too late to apply to transfer to Mary Washington in the fall, and I'm afraid to tell my parents. I heard a song on the radio earlier that almost made me cry AT WORK, and that's saying something.

Not only all that, but to top it all off, my best friend needs me and I am 800 miles away and can't be with her. That's the worst. I hate living this far away from all my friends, I feel like I can't be there for them like I want to, like I should. Some of my best friends I hardly even talk to anymore because we live so far away from each other and are so busy. I hate that. Time has a way of taking over your life and leaving none left over for your friends.

And then of course there's the issue from last night, too - everyone else has a social life but me. I'm rather used to that by now I suppose.

One of these days I'm just going to go absolutely crazy and go to a club or something and scare everyone - including myself.

So now I'm sitting here tonight listening to sad songs. Over and over again, the same ones. I just want someone to talk to. Not about this, but about anything else. I just want to have a conversation and laugh and be positive, but I'm in a rut right now. Today. It'll be better tomorrow, I hope.

I miss you.

You know you're in the South when all churches serve fried chicken at all church functions!

We went to our neighbor's church this morning. They were having a lunch thing after church for a lady who's been the treasurer for 25 years or something like that. So at the end of the service they were talking about her and giving her presents and stuff and that's when a couple ladies started unwrapping the food. Some of it was fried chicken and you could smell it through the whole sanctuary! We didn't stay, and no one except our neighbors even cared. As we were walking out, everyone we walked by just watched us, didn't say a single word. NOTHING. That really annoyed me, though I should be used to it by now. That's the way most of the churches we've gone to here have been.

But boy did that fried chicken smell good.

I worked out in my rose garden some this afternoon. It was such a gorgeous day! I pruned my roses and raked the leaves out. I decided that this year I am going to get a blue rosebush and a climbing rose - preferably some sort of orange-red. Ish. I had the one I wanted picked out last year, but I can't remember what it was called. I think the nursery starts carrying roses around Mother's Day. Walmart has some now, but the last one I bought from Walmart didn't even last a whole summer. :-P

I just watched Poseidon, the new one. It was good. It was intense. lol I don't think I blinked through the whole movie.

Overall today was a great day, the best I've had in awhile. Tomorrow it's back to work, but no school for a whole week!!!! W00t!!!

Progress Report and Spring Break Resolutions

From March 10

So today was okay, better than yesterday.

This morning I went to Walmart with my parents and one of my sisters. I kinda just wandered through the store - I did buy some batteries and ink for my printer, but that's it. It was nice to get out somewhere other than work and school, though! I had to work this afternoon. It was good. Boring for a while, I actually got to do a Sudoku, which I haven't done in a long time and it was fun. ^_^ It also occupies my mind, which is another plus. Then I got a little busy and was busy the rest of the night. Made $25 in tips - yay! Plus we have a new guy washing dishes; I think he's only going to work on weekends. It's nice to have him there when we get busy, so that I don't have to worry about doing them. He's one of the waitress's son.

My dad took me out in his little car to teach me how to drive stick shift. O.O Another thing that totally occupied my mind for awhile! It wasokay, but I'm not so good at starting...

Okay here is what I AM GOING TO DO over spring break. This is not "planning to do" or "going to try to do." I AM GOING TO DO THESE THINGS.

1) Get caught up on all my class notes.
2) Finish filling out the UMW application.
3) Fill out my J Sarge scholarship application.
4) Go around barefoot. At least one day is going to be warm enough.
5) Watch all three LOTR and two POTC movies. And The Little Mermaid.
6) Go to Curves every day if it kills me. Lose the couple/few extra pounds/inches I've put on. Get back to eating right.
7) Go shopping - buy my sister's birthday present, some cute St. Patty's Day earrings, and look for potato shoes.
8) Call friends I haven't talked to in a while.
9) Work. That'sa given.
10) One more...um, write in my journal every day.

I think that about covers it. I hope so because that's all I can think of. If I need more, let me know.

So yeah, like I said, today was better than yesterday. I won't go into details because I feel like I'm complaining and being self-centered and whiney.

Today was a GORGEOUS day and I'm looking forward to more gorgeous days before spring break is over! I'm thinking maybe I'll go to the park and go jogging on nice days? We'll see.

The last couple of days

From March 9

FIRST OFF...Thanks to everyone who has been encouraging me the last couple of days, whether through comments or messages, or with a phone call, or in person. It means so much to me to know that you care enough to read this blog or call me just to listen to me whine and complain. THANK YOU, you guys are awesome and amazing and wonderful. It's largely because of you that I am not a wreck. Of course, God is a big factor in it as well. ^_^

I have to say I'm rather proud of myself. Yesterday I got through the whole day without crying. Well, I cried a little bit last night, but that's NIGHT not DAY, so it doesn't count.

Not so much today, but oh well. Life goes on.

Even so, I've done much better in the last two days than I have in the last two weeks. I guess now that I finally KNOW it helps. It's still not easy, but at least now I know and I can deal and move on.

Okay, on a lighter note...

I got paid today. YES. I decided that all my March paychecks are going toward my vacation. For those of you who don't know, my vacation this year is going to be Wisconsin for Dawn's wedding in July. So yeah, and I also have some money from an account my great-aunt set up for me in New Hampshire, so i should be all set. I just can't spend ANY other money on anything else extra until I graduate from college. No biggie.

O.O

Good news - spring break has started! I'm not doing anything special, just working, but at least I don't have to worry about school on top of it. And tomorrow's Saturday AND I don't have to be at work until 3, which means I get to sleep in!!!!!!!! No one can understand how excited I am about this. I plan to enjoy it to the fullest.

Plus I'm supposed to get my car back the beginning of next week.

Yessireebob, life's grand. Or it will be eventually when things go back to the way they were.

(I'm trying not to be all emo and depressed, even though that's pretty much how I feel at the moment. Hopefully this blog entry wasn't TOO bad.)

El Fin

U>From March 7

Well that's the end, I suppose. Now I know why they call it a broken heart. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And yet, because of the last two weeks of confusion and not knowing what was going on, it's almost a relief to have it behind me - the end I mean, not the whole relationship. I just wish I didn't have to go through it. I do NOT regret the time I spent with him in any way shape or form, I just regret that it had to end like this.

The past two months were possibly two of the best months I've ever had and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Thank you for that.

I don't know what else to say. Yes, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, whatever. But life goes on, and tomorrow is a new day, and I will be fine. I promise.

~*~

The saddest thing is you could be anything that you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all

The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream I built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do

CHORUS:
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish I didn't have these doubts
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now

I wish I didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and I
I wish that I could stop this wishing
And just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Tell me why I'm still in love with you
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call

You broke my heart
I'm taking it back from you
I'm taking back the life that I gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do…
CHORUS

It's time I said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time I said my last goodbye…
CHORUS

It's time I said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time I said my last goodbye

Life can be full of headaches...

Life's been kinda crazy for me lately. Not too bad, I suppose, i'm just getting used to going to school AND working again. It's nice, because it keeps me busy and leaves NO time for being bored! I love my job, and school's okay. I'm still eager for this semester to be over though. >.>

There's been so much on my mind lately. I mean, a LOT. As far as school (as in now and deciding where to go after J. Sarge) and Dawn's wedding and money and the list goes on and on. It gives me a headache sometimes. ^_^ Then I get so I try not to think about stuff, which isn't good because a lot of it is stuff that needs to be thought about. I guess, in short, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately. And I haven't had anything FUN to do all week basically, to take my mind off stuff.

Until today! Today I went out to breakfast and then Sierra and I hung out all afternoon and evening. We went to see "Ghost Rider," which I loved and then went shopping and went to Chili's for dinner. Then tonight I finally got to talk to Susen for the first time in absolutely forever and Martin called, too. It was great to talk to both of them. Not to mention I got to talk to Will tonight - only for like, two minutes, but that's longer than I've talked to him in days, so it was nice.

But everything is still in my mind, looming over everything else. Blah, it's annoying. Why can't I be 7 again with nothing to be concerned about except my most recent ant bites or what to play tomorrow.

The good news is that every other time, things have worked out fine and my headache eventually went away. My question now is, when will this headache go away? And also, will it get worse before it gets better?

Go me! New Layout!

Still getting it organized, but this is it! Let me know what you think. I personally LOVE it.

Back Among the Living!

Not that anyone ever reads this thing anymore. But I am BACK AMONG THE LIVING! W00T!

Wow, so much has happened in the last month and a half. And yet so little.

And I really don't feel like writing about it all! haha! if you wanna know, go to my MySpace and read my blog and everything I have there.

For now, let it be known that I am sick of my life, I want to quit, I want to run away to Hawaii and never come back. Of course, you are all invited, so long as you stay on YOUR SIDE of the island.

Don't ask, I'm coming down from a caffeine high. O.O

Seriously, though, I am going to bed. I can't think straight anymore.

I need a new blog layout...

Life Is Scary

I have come to the conclusion that life is scary. Terrifying, even.

I am scared of life. I love it, I love life, it's awesome and amazing and thrilling and exciting. But it scares me, too. One second everything is going great and wonderful, and the next second it can be turned upside down.

I've had that experience so many times in my life. Like when our church sanctuary burned down in Florida. And then just days later, my mom left for a doctor's appointment and wound up in the hospital, where my baby sister was born 5 weeks early. We came to church one Wednesday night just like always and found out that my aunt had a brain tumor. Then there was the summer right before we moved when I found out that Mom and Dad were thinking about moving. They didn't tell me, I found out when they were talking about it with someone else. I got really upset and Dad kept telling me we probably wouldn't move anyway. I never believed a word of it.

I guess when things start going well, I start to wonder when they're going to go wrong again.

The Lord is wonderful and amazing and merciful and gracious. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and have a talk with him, face to face. There's so many questions that I wish I could have answered, and lots of things I want explained. But that will have to wait, and that's fine. I'm fine with that. But what am I supposed to be doing NOW? I don't know. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know, and that scares me. It makes me wonder...

Why don't I know? Did I do something wrong, mess up along the line, and now I'm just wandering around blindly? I wish someone would just point me to a path and say - HERE GO THIS WAY.

All these muddled thoughts have been in my mind for a while. I just want to know once and for all, am I doing the right thing? Is this the Lord's will for my life? In EVERYTHING I do, not just one thing, like school or whatever. Am I really following HIS plan, or MY plan? If I'm not doing what He wants, I pray that He shows me soon, before I go any further.

God has always been with me, and I know He won't desert me now. I guess I'm just not as astute as some people and I need more direction than others do. I'm so glad God is longsuffering, because if He wasn't, I doubt I would even be here. Me with all my complaints and grumbling and whining.

I will willingly follow the Lord wherever He leads. Just show me the way.