Life Is Scary

I have come to the conclusion that life is scary. Terrifying, even.

I am scared of life. I love it, I love life, it's awesome and amazing and thrilling and exciting. But it scares me, too. One second everything is going great and wonderful, and the next second it can be turned upside down.

I've had that experience so many times in my life. Like when our church sanctuary burned down in Florida. And then just days later, my mom left for a doctor's appointment and wound up in the hospital, where my baby sister was born 5 weeks early. We came to church one Wednesday night just like always and found out that my aunt had a brain tumor. Then there was the summer right before we moved when I found out that Mom and Dad were thinking about moving. They didn't tell me, I found out when they were talking about it with someone else. I got really upset and Dad kept telling me we probably wouldn't move anyway. I never believed a word of it.

I guess when things start going well, I start to wonder when they're going to go wrong again.

The Lord is wonderful and amazing and merciful and gracious. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and have a talk with him, face to face. There's so many questions that I wish I could have answered, and lots of things I want explained. But that will have to wait, and that's fine. I'm fine with that. But what am I supposed to be doing NOW? I don't know. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know, and that scares me. It makes me wonder...

Why don't I know? Did I do something wrong, mess up along the line, and now I'm just wandering around blindly? I wish someone would just point me to a path and say - HERE GO THIS WAY.

All these muddled thoughts have been in my mind for a while. I just want to know once and for all, am I doing the right thing? Is this the Lord's will for my life? In EVERYTHING I do, not just one thing, like school or whatever. Am I really following HIS plan, or MY plan? If I'm not doing what He wants, I pray that He shows me soon, before I go any further.

God has always been with me, and I know He won't desert me now. I guess I'm just not as astute as some people and I need more direction than others do. I'm so glad God is longsuffering, because if He wasn't, I doubt I would even be here. Me with all my complaints and grumbling and whining.

I will willingly follow the Lord wherever He leads. Just show me the way.